Updated: May 19
Since writing my memoir I am more aware that there is a life I never lived. There is a residue in this life, like dust on my feet from a path I am no longer on. It isn't easy to explain.
That does not mean the life I have is not brilliant, and beautiful. My life is good, but somehow I feel like I got here by default. Maybe that's the way we all feel but I don't feel I can take credit for this splendid life I now have.
And perhaps this is the source of the abyss that exists in me, the vacuum, the emptiness. I often feel like a sinkhole, a vacuous empty space. I have had so much positive feedback about the memoir, the book launch was a night that will stick out as a highlight in my life but still there is silence in the void, ringing silence. I feel unworthy of the accolades and yet confident in my voice. I have been invisible for all of my life, my voice has been silenced, my worth questioned, and my achievements played down. It's as if I exist and don't exist at the same time. And that is the making of the void. And now I have a voice and you all hear it and you are all telling me to keep speaking and I have no idea what to do with that other than to lift my head to the stars and continue to talk.
I am a magnificent damaged mess but I would not be a functioning mess if I did not acknowledge that about myself. My vulnerability is my superpower and my want is to share it with you, so in moments when you feel vulnerable, you know you are not alone.
So what do I do with the residue in my life.....Nothing. Accept that I am and have always been seaweed. I floated through life, never did I stick my feet on the sandbank and try to push against a tide. And I have been blessed that the currents brought me here. Because while there is a life I have never had, I live a life I could never have dreamt of when I was a scared skinny kid, stuck between waring parents.
Much love to you all and thank you so much for the love you give to me.